1
00:00:02,568 --> 00:00:05,270
[♪]
2
00:01:19,978 --> 00:01:22,413
Hey, didn't I just pay bills
last month?
3
00:01:25,884 --> 00:01:27,952
Just the ones
stamped "final notice."
4
00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:30,988
This month we're doing the ones
5
00:01:30,989 --> 00:01:33,958
Personally delivered
by the sheriff.
6
00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:35,660
Where's your mother?
7
00:01:35,661 --> 00:01:37,095
She said
she couldn't watch this.
8
00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:38,630
It depresses her.
9
00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:41,867
So she took your wallet,
and she went shopping.
10
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:43,235
But if that damn woman
isn't here,
11
00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:45,003
Who am I supposed to yell at?
12
00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:49,841
She left this.
13
00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:51,409
Go ahead, dad.
14
00:01:53,646 --> 00:01:55,680
Yeow!
15
00:01:55,681 --> 00:01:59,951
Who could run up
a $260 phone bill?
16
00:01:59,952 --> 00:02:04,856
Peggy:
I'm sorry, al.
17
00:02:04,857 --> 00:02:06,491
I made a mistake.
18
00:02:06,492 --> 00:02:08,526
It'll never happen
again.
19
00:02:08,527 --> 00:02:10,294
[grumbles]
20
00:02:10,295 --> 00:02:11,830
All right.
21
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:15,200
Yikes!
22
00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:18,570
A hundred and sixty dollars
for a haircut and a manicure?
23
00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:20,605
I can explain
that one.
24
00:02:20,606 --> 00:02:22,073
You better!
25
00:02:22,074 --> 00:02:24,075
It was just
a one-time thing,
26
00:02:24,076 --> 00:02:27,379
And it'll never
happen again.
27
00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:28,847
All right.
28
00:02:31,350 --> 00:02:32,550
Aah!
29
00:02:32,551 --> 00:02:36,087
Who spent $50
on a tape recorder?
30
00:02:36,088 --> 00:02:38,089
Oh, al,
I'll never do that--
31
00:02:38,090 --> 00:02:39,724
[telephone rings]
32
00:02:39,725 --> 00:02:41,226
Hello?
33
00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,161
Oh, hi, mom.
34
00:02:43,162 --> 00:02:44,896
No, I'm just putting
a tape together
35
00:02:44,897 --> 00:02:47,665
For that idiot husband
of mine.
36
00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:49,768
Oops.
37
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:50,935
Erase that, kelly.
38
00:02:50,936 --> 00:02:53,704
Kelly:
I will, mom.
39
00:02:55,774 --> 00:02:57,975
Peg:
Don't forget, now.
40
00:02:57,976 --> 00:02:59,610
Kelly:
I said I will.
41
00:02:59,611 --> 00:03:02,380
What do I look like,
an idiot?
42
00:03:02,381 --> 00:03:05,417
[click]
43
00:03:05,418 --> 00:03:08,085
Hey, I'm gonna do it.
44
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,457
Ahh!
45
00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:14,826
Well, that's done.
46
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:16,061
Now, let's see what's left
47
00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:18,930
To go into
the old savings account.
48
00:03:18,931 --> 00:03:21,666
Hey, a big nickel.
49
00:03:21,667 --> 00:03:24,335
See, kids, one day,
all that will be yours.
50
00:03:24,336 --> 00:03:26,370
I said one day!
51
00:03:27,973 --> 00:03:31,375
Dad, I hate to be the fly
in your preparation h,
52
00:03:31,376 --> 00:03:33,611
But, uh...
53
00:03:33,612 --> 00:03:35,614
You missed a bill.
54
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:36,615
You know, daddy,
55
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:37,849
You should do
what mom says:
56
00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:39,651
You should marry somebody
who's got a job.
57
00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:41,386
Didn't your mom
ever tell you that?
58
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,153
No, honey.
59
00:03:42,154 --> 00:03:43,554
My mom told me
to marry an anchor
60
00:03:43,555 --> 00:03:45,623
And cling to it
as it sinks to the bottom.
61
00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:47,892
Chicko's storage?
62
00:03:47,893 --> 00:03:49,927
What the hell
is chicko's storage?
63
00:03:49,928 --> 00:03:51,429
Our storage bin.
64
00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:52,931
What the hell
do you mean,
storage bin?
65
00:03:52,932 --> 00:03:54,498
Nobody told me
about a storage bin.
66
00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:57,035
What could we possibly
put in a storage bin?
67
00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:59,236
Thanks, adolfo!
68
00:03:59,237 --> 00:04:01,572
Just put the rest
in the storage bin!
69
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:04,909
Oh.
70
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,143
[laughs nervously]
71
00:04:06,144 --> 00:04:08,078
Hi, honey.
72
00:04:09,715 --> 00:04:11,649
Hi, pookie.
73
00:04:11,650 --> 00:04:13,350
What you got there?
74
00:04:13,351 --> 00:04:15,153
Uh...
75
00:04:15,154 --> 00:04:17,656
It's a boar's head.
76
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:20,091
I know, but what do you have
behind your back?
77
00:04:25,831 --> 00:04:26,965
No, I saw it, daddy.
78
00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:28,399
It is a boar's head.
79
00:04:29,801 --> 00:04:31,169
Rest, honey.
80
00:04:33,205 --> 00:04:35,073
Peg, why did you buy
a boar's head?
81
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:38,476
Well, if you must know,
it aroused me.
82
00:04:38,477 --> 00:04:40,678
Glassy eyes,
stuffing for brains,
83
00:04:40,679 --> 00:04:42,980
Nothing below the neck.
84
00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:47,018
Nail it to a toilet bowl,
it could be you.
85
00:04:47,019 --> 00:04:49,153
No, it couldn't,
'cause unlike me,
86
00:04:49,154 --> 00:04:53,390
Someone loved him enough
to put a bullet in his head.
87
00:04:59,665 --> 00:05:00,898
I can't live like this.
88
00:05:00,899 --> 00:05:02,767
I already got a dog
and three leeches.
89
00:05:02,768 --> 00:05:04,969
What am I gonna do
with a boar's head?
90
00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:05,870
All right.
91
00:05:05,871 --> 00:05:08,173
Kids, take that thing
to the garage.
92
00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:09,907
All right. Let's go.
93
00:05:09,908 --> 00:05:11,241
No, no, no, no!
94
00:05:11,242 --> 00:05:13,478
The boar's head.
95
00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:14,712
You gotta be
96
00:05:14,713 --> 00:05:16,581
A little bit more
specific, mom, because--
97
00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:18,716
Yeah, I mean, usually
when you say "that thing,"
98
00:05:18,717 --> 00:05:20,518
You mean dad.
I know.
99
00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:21,619
Peg, this has got to stop.
100
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,488
Oh...
101
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:26,591
I'll do with that thing
what I should've done to you
after the wedding:
102
00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:29,994
Strap it to the hood of my car,
take it back to the woods
where it belongs.
103
00:05:29,995 --> 00:05:31,662
You can't take it back.
104
00:05:31,663 --> 00:05:33,365
I got it at a yard sale.
105
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:34,398
Peg, don't you know
106
00:05:34,399 --> 00:05:35,833
The things you buy
at a yard sale
107
00:05:35,834 --> 00:05:37,168
Are just junk?
108
00:05:37,169 --> 00:05:38,436
No, they're not.
109
00:05:38,437 --> 00:05:41,806
That's where I got
your reading glasses,
110
00:05:41,807 --> 00:05:44,475
And the brake linings
for your car
111
00:05:44,476 --> 00:05:47,478
And antibiotics for the kids.
112
00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:51,850
Besides, you buy a lot
of worthless junk, too,
113
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,751
Like your bowling ball.
114
00:05:53,752 --> 00:05:55,053
Peg, I go bowling.
115
00:05:55,054 --> 00:05:58,156
You don't go boaring.
116
00:05:58,157 --> 00:06:00,658
Well, once every
couple of months I do.
117
00:06:02,527 --> 00:06:03,795
[knock on door]
118
00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:05,663
Yoo-hoo! It's me!
119
00:06:05,664 --> 00:06:06,631
See, peg,
120
00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:10,034
This is why I tell you,
lock the door.
121
00:06:10,035 --> 00:06:12,837
Peggy, the most wonderful thing
happened.
122
00:06:12,838 --> 00:06:14,239
I have a date.
123
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,339
Oh!
124
00:06:15,340 --> 00:06:16,507
Al!
125
00:06:16,508 --> 00:06:18,943
Marcy has a date!
126
00:06:18,944 --> 00:06:20,911
Gee, they must be
selling parkas in hell
127
00:06:20,912 --> 00:06:23,214
Right now.
128
00:06:23,215 --> 00:06:27,385
Well, we can only hope
your dad can afford one.
129
00:06:27,386 --> 00:06:28,485
So, what's he like?
130
00:06:28,486 --> 00:06:29,721
Is he tall? Is he rich?
131
00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,022
Is he sighted?
132
00:06:34,693 --> 00:06:36,160
Al, pick a hole
in your head
133
00:06:36,161 --> 00:06:38,430
And stick your finger
in it.
134
00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:40,331
Grownups are talking.
135
00:06:40,332 --> 00:06:43,435
Peggy, my mistake was
looking for a man to love,
136
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:46,370
When all I really needed
was a man to hurt.
137
00:06:46,371 --> 00:06:49,407
I think I found him.
He's perfect.
138
00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:51,242
Are you going to
have sex with him?
139
00:06:51,243 --> 00:06:53,077
Well, you heard her say
she wants to hurt him.
140
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:01,853
Anyway, this is not
something I'd admit
141
00:07:01,854 --> 00:07:03,521
In front of a man,
142
00:07:03,522 --> 00:07:05,556
But I'm a little nervous
about this sex thing.
143
00:07:05,557 --> 00:07:07,558
It's been
a long time.
144
00:07:07,559 --> 00:07:09,527
Three months.
145
00:07:09,528 --> 00:07:12,997
[laughs]
146
00:07:12,998 --> 00:07:15,566
I could do three months
standing on my head.
147
00:07:17,202 --> 00:07:18,903
I'm just so used
to steve.
148
00:07:18,904 --> 00:07:20,504
It was his
one strength.
149
00:07:20,505 --> 00:07:22,874
Well, that
and show tune trivia.
150
00:07:24,409 --> 00:07:26,644
But what if this guy's
no good at all?
151
00:07:26,645 --> 00:07:28,846
Well, you've come
to the right place.
152
00:07:30,682 --> 00:07:31,749
I'll tell you,
153
00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:33,651
The most important thing
the first few times
154
00:07:33,652 --> 00:07:34,652
Is to make them feel
155
00:07:34,653 --> 00:07:35,953
Like they're doing
a good job,
156
00:07:35,954 --> 00:07:37,588
Even when they're not.
157
00:07:37,589 --> 00:07:39,557
You know,
I say things like,
158
00:07:39,558 --> 00:07:41,992
"oh, honey, I wasn't
laughing at you.
159
00:07:41,993 --> 00:07:44,929
I was just thinking
of a joke."
160
00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:48,265
Oh, or, "you know,
when it's the real thing,
161
00:07:48,266 --> 00:07:50,968
It only has to take
but a minute."
162
00:07:50,969 --> 00:07:53,404
Oh, and you should always
keep a little cup of water
163
00:07:53,405 --> 00:07:55,139
By the side of the bed,
164
00:07:55,140 --> 00:07:56,607
Sort of
sprinkle your brow.
165
00:07:56,608 --> 00:07:58,576
He'll really think
you're into it.
166
00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:01,278
I've gotten a few
"suffer, baby's"
167
00:08:01,279 --> 00:08:02,847
From al
with that one.
168
00:08:04,416 --> 00:08:06,550
Oh, and then...
169
00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:10,621
If you have
a free hand,
170
00:08:10,622 --> 00:08:12,690
Which I always do,
171
00:08:12,691 --> 00:08:14,926
You wanna just sort of
reach over to the clock
172
00:08:14,927 --> 00:08:16,794
And move it forward.
173
00:08:16,795 --> 00:08:19,964
It's a good
confidence builder.
174
00:08:21,166 --> 00:08:22,633
And always...
175
00:08:22,634 --> 00:08:26,170
Practice moaning
to cover up your yawns.
176
00:08:27,706 --> 00:08:29,540
You know, I guess
what I'm saying is,
177
00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:30,975
You've just gotta
leave the man
178
00:08:30,976 --> 00:08:33,711
With something.
179
00:08:33,712 --> 00:08:35,846
Peg, you forgot
about your best secret move:
180
00:08:35,847 --> 00:08:39,117
You know, spitting cracker jacks
while you shout instructions.
181
00:08:40,519 --> 00:08:42,053
Oh, and the passionate
182
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:43,687
"remember, tomorrow's
garbage day"
183
00:08:43,688 --> 00:08:46,357
At just that right moment.
184
00:08:46,358 --> 00:08:51,061
See, I can't speak for all men,
but that turns me into a tiger.
185
00:08:53,164 --> 00:08:55,500
Dad, there's no more room
left in the garage.
186
00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:58,469
I had to take this out
to get the boar's head in.
187
00:08:58,470 --> 00:08:59,937
Hey, look what else mom bought.
188
00:08:59,938 --> 00:09:02,874
A collection
of danish dames magazines.
189
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:05,142
Hey! That's not mine.
190
00:09:09,581 --> 00:09:12,149
How-- how the heck
did those get in there?
191
00:09:12,150 --> 00:09:15,686
Damn vandals
must have left them.
192
00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:17,121
I'll make sure
193
00:09:17,122 --> 00:09:19,524
They're put in the trash
where they belong.
194
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:20,725
Idiot.
195
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:23,560
Peg, what's this?
196
00:09:23,561 --> 00:09:25,329
Oh, that's an ashtray
197
00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:27,098
That teaches you
geography.
198
00:09:30,335 --> 00:09:32,704
That way you can smoke
and learn.
199
00:09:32,705 --> 00:09:34,505
What a find!
200
00:09:34,506 --> 00:09:35,873
Where'd you get it?
201
00:09:35,874 --> 00:09:37,541
Hampee's garage sale.
202
00:09:37,542 --> 00:09:38,910
How could I
have missed it?
203
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,244
I was there
when they opened.
204
00:09:40,245 --> 00:09:42,146
Did you see
the three-legged chair?
205
00:09:42,147 --> 00:09:43,647
Got it.
Damn!
206
00:09:43,648 --> 00:09:45,683
You know,
the only thing better
207
00:09:45,684 --> 00:09:47,051
Than going to
a good garage sale
208
00:09:47,052 --> 00:09:48,620
Is having your own.
209
00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:49,987
When I was
a little girl--
210
00:09:49,988 --> 00:09:52,456
Oh, help me!
211
00:09:52,457 --> 00:09:55,026
We'd have a garage sale
every summer.
212
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:56,394
My mother
would sell anything:
213
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:59,230
Old lamp shades,
record albums,
214
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:01,298
The training bra
off my back.
215
00:10:01,299 --> 00:10:04,102
What were you, about 25?
216
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:05,503
I was 13
217
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:08,406
And making more money
than you.
218
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:13,978
Anyway, our garage sales
were always a big success.
219
00:10:13,979 --> 00:10:16,180
We made $500 once.
220
00:10:16,181 --> 00:10:18,783
My personal stuff
was the biggest seller.
221
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:21,686
I guess when you see
a little girl cry
222
00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:24,088
As strangers pry
her cherished belongings
223
00:10:24,089 --> 00:10:25,523
Out of her hands,
224
00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:28,125
People think
they're getting a real bargain.
225
00:10:28,126 --> 00:10:30,828
Why, the big 50 cents
they got for my dog chester
226
00:10:30,829 --> 00:10:33,197
Helped pay for that weekend
in the mountains
227
00:10:33,198 --> 00:10:35,700
My parents took without me.
228
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,768
But I guess I would have been
a real downer,
229
00:10:37,769 --> 00:10:38,836
You know, screaming,
230
00:10:38,837 --> 00:10:40,504
"chester, chester,
please come home.
231
00:10:40,505 --> 00:10:43,641
I can't live without you."
232
00:10:43,642 --> 00:10:45,776
I don't think about it much...
233
00:10:45,777 --> 00:10:49,513
Except for the times
when I wake up screaming.
234
00:10:56,087 --> 00:10:58,622
Five hundred dollars,
you say?
235
00:11:01,492 --> 00:11:03,694
Marcy just gave me a great idea.
236
00:11:03,695 --> 00:11:05,662
Peg, scrape the dog doody
off the grass.
237
00:11:05,663 --> 00:11:07,865
The bundys
are having a yard sale.
238
00:11:24,983 --> 00:11:29,587
Al, I can't believe
you're doing this.
239
00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:30,721
You're selling
my life's work.
240
00:11:30,722 --> 00:11:31,889
Not your whole life's work.
241
00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:34,325
I'm keeping my knotted bowels.
242
00:11:34,326 --> 00:11:37,628
Dad, what's the price
on this?
243
00:11:37,629 --> 00:11:38,462
Mm, 10 cents.
244
00:11:38,463 --> 00:11:39,429
Winky?
245
00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:40,765
You can't sell winky.
246
00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:41,965
Pookie, winky's dead.
247
00:11:41,966 --> 00:11:43,601
Why would you buy
a dead bird?
248
00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:44,569
Well, they said
249
00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:46,503
He could speak
over 100 words.
250
00:11:46,504 --> 00:11:47,972
Okay, make it a quarter, son.
251
00:11:50,642 --> 00:11:51,876
How much, dad?
252
00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:53,243
Oh, no.
253
00:11:53,244 --> 00:11:55,179
You can't sell this painting.
It's unique.
254
00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:58,783
It's paris seen through
the eyes of a dead man.
255
00:12:00,552 --> 00:12:02,853
Kids, tie your mommy up.
256
00:12:02,854 --> 00:12:06,090
Al, I have spent 10 years
amassing these treasures
257
00:12:06,091 --> 00:12:08,125
From the four corners
of the block.
258
00:12:08,126 --> 00:12:09,493
How can you--
259
00:12:09,494 --> 00:12:10,861
How can you
sell these things
260
00:12:10,862 --> 00:12:12,429
When there's all that
useless stuff
261
00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:13,831
In the house?
262
00:12:13,832 --> 00:12:16,733
You know, there's
a vacuum and a stove
263
00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:18,502
And your side of the bed,
264
00:12:18,503 --> 00:12:20,204
Your second pair
of underwear...
265
00:12:20,205 --> 00:12:22,473
Begone, woman.
266
00:12:22,474 --> 00:12:24,308
You stink.
267
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,145
Kids...
268
00:12:28,146 --> 00:12:29,579
Did you put the ad
in the paper?
269
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:31,581
Mm-hmm.
Signs around
the neighborhood?
270
00:12:31,582 --> 00:12:33,483
Both: Mm-hmm.
Thumbtacks
in the street
271
00:12:33,484 --> 00:12:35,619
So the cars will get a flat
in front of the house?
272
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:36,620
Yup.
273
00:12:36,621 --> 00:12:39,123
[tire pops, air hissing]
274
00:12:39,124 --> 00:12:41,959
We're open
for business.
275
00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:49,500
Yep.
276
00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:52,036
Open for business.
277
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:54,772
Look, honey!
A parrot!
278
00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:56,941
Hi, pretty bird.
279
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,676
[squawks]
280
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:02,079
Take me home.
281
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:06,316
I wanna be
part of your family.
282
00:13:06,317 --> 00:13:08,285
I love you.
283
00:13:08,286 --> 00:13:09,754
[squawks]
284
00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:11,588
Excuse me.
285
00:13:11,589 --> 00:13:12,757
Isn't that you
talking?
286
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:14,291
How dare you
come into my own yard
287
00:13:14,292 --> 00:13:17,528
And accuse me of
passing myself off
for a dead bird?
288
00:13:17,529 --> 00:13:20,197
Look, we're sorry,
uh...
289
00:13:20,198 --> 00:13:21,932
How much?
290
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:25,603
[deep voice]
and I'll take this,
291
00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:27,438
And this, and this.
292
00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:28,939
Oh, my.
293
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,777
What can I do for you?
294
00:13:32,778 --> 00:13:34,678
How much
for this wagon wheel?
295
00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:36,380
Twenty-five cents.
296
00:13:36,381 --> 00:13:37,615
That's ridiculous.
297
00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:39,450
I'll give you
50 cents.
298
00:13:39,451 --> 00:13:43,154
No, my daddy says 25.
299
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:46,490
Bud, you notice anything
unusual over there?
300
00:13:46,491 --> 00:13:48,192
Which do you mean, dad?
301
00:13:48,193 --> 00:13:49,560
Mom dressed like
an idiot,
302
00:13:49,561 --> 00:13:52,597
Or kelly for the first time
using the word "no."
303
00:13:59,070 --> 00:14:01,104
And I'd like this,
and this, and this.
304
00:14:01,105 --> 00:14:02,573
Dad, I got
a live one here.
305
00:14:02,574 --> 00:14:04,041
She'll buy anything.
306
00:14:04,042 --> 00:14:05,776
Watch.
307
00:14:05,777 --> 00:14:07,177
Twenty dollars.
308
00:14:07,178 --> 00:14:08,512
I'll take it.
309
00:14:08,513 --> 00:14:11,248
What an idiot.
310
00:14:11,249 --> 00:14:13,384
Kelly, go change
the newspaper
311
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:15,319
Under the dead parrot's
cage.
312
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,921
I'll handle this.
313
00:14:17,922 --> 00:14:19,557
Soak her, daddy.
314
00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:22,593
Winky's waiting,
honey.
315
00:14:22,594 --> 00:14:24,261
Hello, peg.
316
00:14:24,262 --> 00:14:25,929
Hi, al--
317
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:27,665
[deep voice] I mean, uh...
318
00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:29,233
Hello, mister.
319
00:14:31,402 --> 00:14:33,771
[clanking]
320
00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:35,106
Peg...
321
00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:36,440
The cow bell.
322
00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:42,546
You stink.
323
00:14:46,885 --> 00:14:47,952
Burger?
324
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:49,720
Yeah, I'll have
a couple.
325
00:14:55,493 --> 00:14:57,427
Son...
326
00:14:59,797 --> 00:15:01,065
Have I told you
not to marry?
327
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,733
Yeah, dad.
328
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:04,501
Good. That's good.
329
00:15:06,471 --> 00:15:07,471
Have I told you
330
00:15:07,472 --> 00:15:09,573
Not to be
a shoe salesman?
331
00:15:09,574 --> 00:15:11,608
Yeah, dad.
332
00:15:11,609 --> 00:15:14,178
I guess I've told you
everything I know, then.
333
00:15:16,381 --> 00:15:17,882
Son, what do you
wanna be
334
00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:19,483
When you grow up?
335
00:15:19,484 --> 00:15:20,584
Well, I was--
336
00:15:20,585 --> 00:15:22,353
Yeah, I wanted to be
a football player.
337
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:24,154
Now I just wanna be
like him.
338
00:15:26,324 --> 00:15:27,725
Sure, you have to eat
a bowl full of
339
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:30,094
The private parts
of horses, but...
340
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:32,096
Then you go to the bathroom
on the lawn,
341
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:35,399
And somebody says
you did good.
342
00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:39,737
That's all I wanted:
343
00:15:39,738 --> 00:15:42,339
To lie in the sun,
to run in the grass,
344
00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:44,008
To see a good-looking
bitch
345
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:46,077
Through a chain-link
fence...
346
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,782
Ah, what's the use?
It'll never happen, so...
347
00:15:51,783 --> 00:15:56,587
♪ a dog is an animal
with big, floppy ears ♪
348
00:15:56,588 --> 00:16:00,024
[sobbing] oh, god.
349
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:01,759
What's with dad?
350
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,461
He's having
the dog dream again.
351
00:16:06,331 --> 00:16:08,365
Good boy!
352
00:16:10,101 --> 00:16:11,435
You know,
I can't understand
353
00:16:11,436 --> 00:16:12,937
Why we can't sell
any of this junk.
354
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:14,638
Well, honey, see,
lawn sales are based
355
00:16:14,639 --> 00:16:16,006
On the bigger idiot
theory.
356
00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:17,274
You know,
nothing's so dumb
357
00:16:17,275 --> 00:16:18,508
That some bigger idiot
358
00:16:18,509 --> 00:16:20,577
Won't come along
and buy it,
359
00:16:20,578 --> 00:16:21,712
But the flaw
in that theory is
360
00:16:21,713 --> 00:16:24,248
That eventually you get
to the head idiot.
361
00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:31,689
And, uh,
you call her "mom."
362
00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:33,256
So what do we do, dad?
363
00:16:33,257 --> 00:16:35,960
Give up
and become sanford and son?
364
00:16:38,096 --> 00:16:40,598
No. I'll think
of something.
365
00:16:40,599 --> 00:16:42,165
Remember
the bundy credo:
366
00:16:42,166 --> 00:16:45,803
"a bundy never wins,
but a bundy never quits."
367
00:16:45,804 --> 00:16:48,105
No, dad, it's
"a bundy never eats."
368
00:16:48,106 --> 00:16:51,274
No, no, no,
it's "a bundy never learns."
369
00:16:51,275 --> 00:16:53,878
Wait, isn't it
"a bundy never dies"?
370
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:55,379
No, "a bundy never cares."
371
00:16:55,380 --> 00:16:57,615
Shut up, the two of you.
Shut up, the two of you.
372
00:16:57,616 --> 00:17:00,317
Just give me one minute
to think about this.
373
00:17:00,318 --> 00:17:01,451
And I'll think
374
00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:03,921
Of a brilliant way
to get us out of this.
375
00:17:10,161 --> 00:17:11,595
Ho, ho, ho!
376
00:17:11,596 --> 00:17:15,366
Welcome to bundyland,
the happiest place on earth!
377
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,535
Having fun?
378
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,169
This reeks.
379
00:17:20,639 --> 00:17:22,573
Just pet the damn dog.
380
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:24,040
[growls]
381
00:17:26,978 --> 00:17:30,915
Bud, how we doing
on the wheel o' fun?
382
00:17:34,652 --> 00:17:36,586
Great, dad.
383
00:17:38,990 --> 00:17:41,425
Hold on tight.
384
00:17:41,426 --> 00:17:45,729
[grinder organ
playing circus tune]
385
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:53,003
Why do men treat me
like I'm stupid?
386
00:17:53,004 --> 00:17:56,106
[imitating parrot]
beats the hell
out of me.
387
00:17:57,575 --> 00:17:59,276
They treat me
that way too.
388
00:17:59,277 --> 00:18:01,311
Maybe it's because we're blond.
389
00:18:01,312 --> 00:18:02,646
[squawks]
390
00:18:02,647 --> 00:18:06,150
Hey, p.T. Barnum.
391
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:08,219
So, you didn't think
I could get a guy, huh?
392
00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:14,592
Well, I did, and he can't wait
to get his hands on me.
393
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:16,460
But I made him
stop here first
394
00:18:16,461 --> 00:18:19,096
So you could see
what a real man looks like.
395
00:18:19,097 --> 00:18:20,564
Check him out.
396
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:29,406
The best thing
about him
397
00:18:29,407 --> 00:18:31,508
Is that he's
a one-woman man.
398
00:18:31,509 --> 00:18:32,909
Then that
must be her now.
399
00:18:34,579 --> 00:18:36,046
Roland, get back here.
400
00:18:36,047 --> 00:18:39,783
When I buy a guy dinner,
I expect something for it!
401
00:18:44,722 --> 00:18:46,290
Ahh...
402
00:18:48,226 --> 00:18:49,292
Al...
403
00:18:49,293 --> 00:18:51,194
I'm so depressed.
404
00:18:51,195 --> 00:18:52,496
Welcome to bundyland,
405
00:18:52,497 --> 00:18:54,932
The depressingest place
on earth.
406
00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:56,834
I was just over at
the friedmans' garage sale
407
00:18:56,835 --> 00:18:58,268
Down the block.
408
00:18:58,269 --> 00:18:59,737
You know
what they're saying?
409
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,605
"why does your husband
go on living?"
410
00:19:01,606 --> 00:19:04,808
No, no one knows
I'm married.
411
00:19:06,878 --> 00:19:08,345
They're saying
that all my stuff,
412
00:19:08,346 --> 00:19:10,114
My treasures
413
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,849
Are junk.
414
00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:13,817
Peg, I've been
telling you that!
415
00:19:13,818 --> 00:19:15,452
Yeah, but these are
strangers.
416
00:19:15,453 --> 00:19:17,554
I care what they think.
417
00:19:17,555 --> 00:19:21,025
Oh, al, I've failed me.
418
00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:26,230
As usual, I can see
that you're making it big.
419
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:28,665
All right, everybody,
family meeting.
420
00:19:31,836 --> 00:19:32,936
Kids...
421
00:19:32,937 --> 00:19:34,938
It is with a heavy heart
that I have to report
422
00:19:34,939 --> 00:19:36,072
That bundyland
423
00:19:36,073 --> 00:19:37,741
Is a complete
and total failure.
424
00:19:37,742 --> 00:19:41,278
A first for anything
named bundy.
425
00:19:41,279 --> 00:19:42,545
Gee, I wish it could be
426
00:19:42,546 --> 00:19:46,383
Like one of them
big wanker hoedowns.
427
00:19:46,384 --> 00:19:48,652
You know, where everybody
gathers around the still
428
00:19:48,653 --> 00:19:51,722
And they play spin-the-cousin.
429
00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:53,623
Now, here's
what we're gonna do.
430
00:19:53,624 --> 00:19:55,759
We're gonna take everything
that's left--
431
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,494
That includes
everything.
432
00:19:57,495 --> 00:20:00,998
--And dump it
in a stranger's yard.
433
00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:02,666
[imitating parrot]
what if someone sees us?
434
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,334
[squawks]
435
00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:08,339
Just mutter something in german.
436
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:09,807
We'll blame it on the schultzes.
437
00:20:09,808 --> 00:20:11,108
Right, dad.
438
00:20:12,611 --> 00:20:14,345
Now, peg...
439
00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:16,213
Have you learned
anything this time?
440
00:20:16,214 --> 00:20:18,349
No.
441
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:20,317
Then I'll
explain it to you.
442
00:20:20,318 --> 00:20:22,853
Peg, you have attended
your last garage sale.
443
00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:25,689
See, pookie, we're broke,
and you're stupid,
444
00:20:25,690 --> 00:20:27,190
And the combination
445
00:20:27,191 --> 00:20:28,792
Just doesn't work out
for the family.
446
00:20:28,793 --> 00:20:30,594
Peg, don't you realize
447
00:20:30,595 --> 00:20:31,995
That we don't need
all this stuff
448
00:20:31,996 --> 00:20:33,297
To be miserable?
449
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,965
We've got each other.
450
00:20:37,435 --> 00:20:40,137
Oh, al,
I know you're right.
451
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:43,674
I know I have to stop,
but I can't.
452
00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:46,243
It's like that stuff
just beckons to me,
453
00:20:46,244 --> 00:20:49,079
And I feel
like I have to buy.
454
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,247
And yet you never
feel the need
455
00:20:50,248 --> 00:20:53,183
To cook a meal
or wash a sock.
456
00:20:53,184 --> 00:20:56,287
Hey, what am I, sick?
457
00:20:56,288 --> 00:20:58,421
All right, peg,
let's start clean.
458
00:20:58,422 --> 00:21:00,991
Clean garage,
clean yard,
459
00:21:00,992 --> 00:21:02,660
Separate beds.
460
00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:03,727
I know!
461
00:21:03,728 --> 00:21:04,995
We'll even start eating.
462
00:21:04,996 --> 00:21:06,062
[change rattling]
463
00:21:06,063 --> 00:21:09,533
Honey, I'm going
to give you $10.
464
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,267
Now, I want you to buy.
465
00:21:11,268 --> 00:21:13,837
No animal heads
or paintings
466
00:21:13,838 --> 00:21:18,442
Or hoss cartwright
ceramic memorial hats.
467
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,243
Just food.
468
00:21:20,244 --> 00:21:22,479
Do you think you can
do that, pookie?
469
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,148
I can do it, al.
470
00:21:25,149 --> 00:21:26,950
I've bought
other things.
471
00:21:26,951 --> 00:21:30,454
I can buy food!
472
00:21:36,193 --> 00:21:39,629
Al, you're looking
at a whole new peggy!
473
00:21:41,499 --> 00:21:44,501
Maybe this one won't be able
to find her way home.
474
00:21:46,537 --> 00:21:49,239
Must buy food.
Must buy food.
475
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,974
I must buy food.
476
00:21:50,975 --> 00:21:52,776
I'm gonna buy food.
477
00:21:52,777 --> 00:21:54,544
I'm gonna buy food.
478
00:21:54,545 --> 00:21:57,681
I'm gonna buy...Food.
479
00:22:02,587 --> 00:22:04,120
Buy me.
480
00:22:05,623 --> 00:22:06,923
No.
481
00:22:06,924 --> 00:22:09,693
Buy me.
482
00:22:09,694 --> 00:22:12,395
I have to buy food!
483
00:22:15,867 --> 00:22:18,168
Buy me.
484
00:22:18,169 --> 00:22:21,572
Well...
485
00:22:21,573 --> 00:22:23,807
Okay.
486
00:22:37,788 --> 00:22:40,557
[♪]